Shannon (skyamethyst) wrote,

  • Music:

you are destined to think incessantly about things over which you have no control.

Okay, I am under strict directions to not write an entry about me being sad, which is pretty much the core reason of this journal still being active, so I am taking this opportunity to write about something of real significance that took place in my life. On Tuesday, October 28, Krystina and I traveled 3 hours, in a Mecca-like pilgrimage, to Mohegan Sun in Connecticut to see half of what was arguably the greatest rock band to ever have lived. Mmhm, that is correct. The all mighty and powerful Who. I had only speculated beforehand as to how life changing this could be, and clearly all the hubbub was accurate. It was one of the most incredible nights of my life. We were only about 100 feet away from the stage, and my camera did an incredible job of catching some excellent shots and taking some good video with good audio. I've always felt hot and cold about seeing bands live. It's incredible to be there and be face to face with a group of people that change your life on the daily, but being at a live show doesn't ever seem to fulfill whatever expectations I always thought they were supposed to have. Well The Who was different. I just started crying, and I didn't stop.  I was a dsiciple of one of the long gone hoardes of prepubescent faithful servants, screaming and crying and not having a real idea as to why. Let me get it straight, I wasn't screaming that crazily. But the tears wouldn't stop. I just couldn't get over the fact that I was so close to something that incredible. I felt myself dipping back into the days of yore, when I was obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and had some serious trouble handling the fact that I would never meet them. What is it about music that creates that anxiety in us, the anxiety that the world is so large and there are so very many incredible people that we will never have the chance to meet. Here you are partaking in intimate sentiments with the person who wrote about them and sing about them, and yet you will never meet them. It makes you feel small and insignificant. ANYWAY the show was beyond words. We were surrounded by overpriviliged 12 year olds and their balding fathers, and a few awkward 30 somethings, and it was really a spectacular show. If you're really thaaaaat interested, here is where all of the photos are.

completely incredible. look at him. absolutely perfect.

Today is daylight savings time. I remember on the other daylight savings time, in school the teacher used to always make us write about where we thought the hour we lost went. I hated this. I hated thinking about the idea that we lost an hour. I kind of hate it now too. The idea that we all turn our clocks back and gain an hour? Why don't I do this everyday to ensure I always have a little extra time to finish what I need to and get where I need to go? Why do we all participate in these odd social conventions? We are quite literally bending that eternal unbreakable rule, the fact that we can never go back and that time is something we cannot get back again. Why did I spend this hour sleeping. I could have been running around righting the wrongs I have made. I spent it sleeping.

I'm feeling especially alone today. I've only been awake for about 2 hours so it's not completely possible for me to feel the real brunt of this emotion just yet, but it's there. I am feeling so much heaviness from a feeling that was originally dull and easy to ignore, but is becoming sharper and so incredibly present more and more every day. I am truly sorry for whoever reads this because I can only imagine how sad you must think I am, and I assure you I am not always completely like this. I just genuinely enjoy reveling in sadness. Somewhere inside me it justifies something. I just don't understand what it is about me that gets myself into situations where feelings are not all that legitimate or consistent. I am only useful a portion of the time. It's interesting when it seems more fitting to say that you are "useful" rather than "wanted". I am not so moronic that I don't take into consideration the daily grind of life and how busy and involved people really are. Fast paced daily schedules have very little to do with this unfortunately. I am acutely aware of this. Why do I always seem to get myself in this spot. Where I need to work so hard to be noticed and remembered. I must be really annoying. It's even bothering me to read this. When did I let myself become such a lame excuse for whatever special thing I thought I was. Like the light you forgot to turn off. The mix CD you forgot to listen to. The melody you forgot to hear. The star you forgot to look up at  when night time finally arrived. The sunset you happened to miss.

I'm feeling more and more lately that it is too much to ask to be something spectacular to someone else.

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