Shannon (skyamethyst) wrote,

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you will not remember me

I just stumbled over the poetry of a teacher I had. I fell in love with not only the content, but the imagery and the word choice, but it made me sad as well, and I felt it immediately. His writing was so eloquent, so hypnotic and vivid with sounds and smells and funny observations, and I realized I wanted to be written about. He seemed to have written about a few various ladyfriends, and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. This man is 13 years older than me and I found myself almost wanting to be a notch on his belt of experience. I wanted to be encapsulated within a few verses about my hair or my odd colored eyes or something quirky and curious about me. I want to be written about. I couldn't help but feel like I would be eons more interesting and important if I meant something enough to him to be captured in words forever. There is a poem written I've read once, although for some reason I can't think of the name or who wrote it, and it meditates on the thought of how selfish it is to take someone and immortalize them in a poem forever, effectively caging them in a vision you had one day sparked by the flip of one's hair or the way the sun hit the side of their cheek so perfectly that a poem was born. I don't care. I want to be weaved into a poem, to be kept forever. I don't think there is anything better. Maybe what I really want to be so talented and well versed in writing that I won't need to rely on someone else to immortalize me, but whatever. I read this guy's poetry and I was floored. I died and I felt such a painful wishing to be written about and documented as beautifully and sophisticated and as vividly as he could do so. Or maybe it's just that he is unbelievably wonderful and I can't wrap my head around how intelligent he is in so many ways.

I'm feeling very down on myself these days. Life is feeling mundane and exhausted in general, and I feel this unnatural and angry desire to flip out on those around me every day. I have been so snappy and annoyed, and I am feeling really frustrated in general about the inpending unyielding grasp of grownup-hood. I have about 20 books I want to read, 10 albums I want to listen to, I want to buy everything interesting I see, I want to be in a different country, I want to feel unbelievably beautiful and wanted by everyone, and I wish my current plans for the future would satisfy me. I can't help but feel like in 3 years I will be a tool of car payments and dressy casual attire. The worst part of this observation is that the life I'm living now is not nearly amazing or free enough for me to have anything tool-ish to be afraid to surrender to. I sell clothing to people and attempt to have epic nights with friends overlooking bodies of water while sipping iced tea from major retail companies that shit on their thousands of underage and underpaid employees. I try to be enlightened about atrocious things going on in the world and I try to have my opinion and swear I'll give money someday, when I have it, and yet I too am a slave to the unbeatable deals at K-Mart, Target, Best Buy, and everything that makes me the overpriveleged, ignorant, embarassing, know-it-all, blind American. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable almost every day. I hate the mundane and routine quality my life has, and yet I am terrified of dropping the life I've been given and actually trying my character in a new place. All I am good at is complaining. I say teaching will be great because I can live my passion for kids and education and then I can live my dreams in the summer times and vacations, but let's be realistic. I will drown under bills and payments for nice things that will buffer my hatred for what I haven't done and my sadness for all the lives I haven't lived. I will never have anything published, I will never be well known for anything I accomplish. I will, however, probably own a nice car and have an extensive library of books I haven't read yet. As for now, I will continue to buy weird jewelry and make t-shirts with obscure references to bands and continue to write obscure journal entries and have obscure lyrics and lines of poetry as titles to try and add some interesting qualities to my embarassingly plain and boring self.

It is for these reasons, among others, that I am really afraid that I will die young. There are so many things I need to do. 

Oh, and this sentence is dedicated to Elvis Costello.
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First, let me just say I'm glad your back. Tomorrow I return to my mundain life from my much needed vacation - and I have to tell you....I'm actually looking forward to it. I know, surprise surprise. I think I just needed a quick breather to refocus myself on the tasks that will surely be at hand when I return from holiday. I feel, if nothing else, I needed the time away to realize, that I am freakin great at what I do and it's time for the rest of my peers to sit up and take notice! So anyway...enough about me - let's get back to you.

I gotta tell you that you are very insightful about all the things that surround your life, but your negetivity is overwhelming. I don't like when you feel down on yourself, but, I am however, glad you have this outlet to release all of the gobbildigook from your mind and, well, vent. All of your thinking exhausts me. You've said your let it go and breathe free. Don't dwell on it again. I actually have the 21st book that you must read and it needs to be top of your list this summer....I think it'll help you figure out your purpose in life and how to get yourself there....if anything, it will wrap your entire being in a giant 'feel good' blankie.

I leave you with these....corny, yes, but powerful. My present to you is some powerfulness. YOU ARE COURAGEOUS! There, I'm done.

'To let life happen to you is irresponsible. To create your day is your divine right.' - Ramtha
'Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow.' - Robert Kiyosaki
'All that we are is the result of what we have thought.' - Buddha
'What the mind of man can conceive and believe, the mind of man can achieve.' - Napoleon Hill
'We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.' - Max Depree
'The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.' - Richard Leider
'Every thought we think is creating our future.' - Louise L. Hay
'All your dreams can come true - if you ave the courage to pursue them.' - Walt Disney
you are wonderful. Even reading my own entry again this morning, I'm seeing how incredibly heavy it is. I just get in these moods where you think about everything and nothing seems to make sense. Then I have these ridiculous stream-of-consciousness tirades. What would I do without you.

Let's not even think that way. When do I get to see you and your child? Hmm?
well first off, thank you for changing your lil pic thing, it was REALY bothering me...

secondly, you know that once a real job comes and we have a little more money then we do now, we will be exploring the country sides of the UK and europe as a whole. just because every night and every day isn't as exciting as you want it to be doesn't mean it sucks, its just not all fun and games right now. remember the concept work hard play hard, and the calm before the storm, we are in a hard working calm section, and its well, yucky because its going on for a while, BUT you also know that the longer it takes, the better the playing and the storm will be.

O and btw the business casual you speak of is BS, look at danielle, she's business casual and well, she's not that boring looking to me ;)



P.S. - This sentence is dedicated to Shannon, cause she is worthy of a sentence. alright fine, she's worth two!
P.P.S - I know you just said to yourself, "Oh, Dan"
P.P.P.S. - i have no idea that the subject means!
I think it isn't about being remembered by everyone, but about being remembered by the few who really know you. Personally, I know that there's no way I could ever forget the great friend you've been to me, and the amazing person that you are every day of your life. I've never met a person who left more lasting impressions.

We're all going through a weird phase where nothing is how it's supposed to be. We feel like we're being thrown into the world too soon. We haven't done anything we wanted to before things got serious. The good part of all of this is that we have great friends to go through it with us :)