i love writing sentences without capitalization or puncuation
Why is this.
So I've been back at the Knavery for the past couple days. Yeah. It's been fine. I'm incredibly excited because Jess went for an interview yesterday and will most likely be getting hired. And Matt worked last night and we were finally reunited after 3 months or something crazy like that. Last night was stressful, signage is not fun anymore. At all. Oh well. Working was fine, I was afraid it wasn't going to be fun at all anymore with everyone that left, but I still like talking to customers and I had a lot of random visitors which was excellent and yeah it's not bad.
[be prepared for some weird thoughts coming up] So last night I got home from hanging out with Matt around 12, and I remembered I had quite a lot of baking to do. I decided I would bake the majority of desserts we're going to have today, so I was fully ready to exhibit my real girl-ness and judge how much of a good cook I could be by baking an Apple pie and Snickerdoodles, from scratch, by myself. Well I did it. And I think they turned out awesome. And the weirdest part was that as I was paring the apples for the pie, I couldn't help but start thinking about when I will be baking for someone else. And how excited I would be to bake for someone and feel shallowly happy for feeling useful, and girl-like. What has happened to my self esteem. I feel so dispensible. The past couple days have been incredibly shitty. I just don't feel like myself at all, and I don't feel pretty or funny or anything I thought I was, I feel so anxious, I feel sad, I hate everything that is taking place. I have so many conflicting feelings about everything. I literally just want headphones on all the time, I just want my music that makes me feel like me. That is so sadly cliche, and it's true, it is so lame. The only time I feel different or special in any way is when I listen to certain songs. How pathetic is that. I just hate everything that has taken place and how dumb this is all is. And why I even care remotely anymore. I think about the idea of caring about people all the time. You never stop. either you never did, or you never stop. Yes, sometimes you meet those people that you once cared about but not really anymore. But I honestly believe it really was just that you never really cared that much. It's just funny when I think about all the people that I care intensely about, and I don't really talk to that often, there is sadly quite a lot. But I still care so much. Like Jeremy, I barely speak to him or see him, but I still care so much about him. Maybe we're not in that area right now where we would talk a lot for whatever reasons, but I just think you never stop caring if you genuinely did to begin with. I just cannot handle the idea of permanency in any form, so I hate thinking about people I won't talk to a lot again. I hate the fact that people flow through your life. I hate that I have cared about people who decide to leave. There are so many things that happen in your life that just constantly make you wonder why anything happens at all.
When I was working yesterday, the song "So This Is Christmas" by John Lennon came on. For whatever reason when it came on and I heard the single voice and the guitar, I just felt like crying. I don't really love the song necessarily, but his voice is really great in the song. Just hit me in a different way for whatever reason. There were also a few other good selections, like "The Christmas Song" by The Raveonettes, and "Keep The Car Running" by Arcade Fire and a cool cover by Ben Gibbard. That was nice. Oh and there is a commercial for some mp3 player and it centers around "Sleeping Lessons" by the Shins. I almost died, what a weird but excellent choice. But The Shins, you kind of blow for selling that.
I just keep playing the song by The Postal Service, "Brand New Colony", whose one lyric seems to ring out as some kind of mantra or something. Everything will change.
Oh and do yourself a favor and get the song "Oh Sister" by Neutral Milk. I can't even express how wonderful.
bla bla bla Happy Thanksgiving and everything. !