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Monday, November 29th, 2010

Subject:Let me just dust these cobwebs off...
Time:2:00 pm.
Hello to all 1.7 darlings that may still check this! I urge you to check out my blog detailing my travels in vegetariland!

http://vegetarianredux.wordpress.com/


XOXOXOX
we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, September 27th, 2009

Subject:hmm.
Time:6:14 pm.
my GOSH it's been so long. is anyone going to read this? because I've been keeping a paper journal, but I've been feeling the urge to dabble in my old stomping ground lj, and it's really only satisfying if I have someone to read it.

Show yourself!
1 plastic tear ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

Subject:you are destined to think incessantly about things over which you have no control.
Time:10:13 am.
Okay, I am under strict directions to not write an entry about me being sad, which is pretty much the core reason of this journal still being active, so I am taking this opportunity to write about something of real significance that took place in my life. On Tuesday, October 28, Krystina and I traveled 3 hours, in a Mecca-like pilgrimage, to Mohegan Sun in Connecticut to see half of what was arguably the greatest rock band to ever have lived. Mmhm, that is correct. The all mighty and powerful Who. I had only speculated beforehand as to how life changing this could be, and clearly all the hubbub was accurate. It was one of the most incredible nights of my life. We were only about 100 feet away from the stage, and my camera did an incredible job of catching some excellent shots and taking some good video with good audio. I've always felt hot and cold about seeing bands live. It's incredible to be there and be face to face with a group of people that change your life on the daily, but being at a live show doesn't ever seem to fulfill whatever expectations I always thought they were supposed to have. Well The Who was different. I just started crying, and I didn't stop.  I was a dsiciple of one of the long gone hoardes of prepubescent faithful servants, screaming and crying and not having a real idea as to why. Let me get it straight, I wasn't screaming that crazily. But the tears wouldn't stop. I just couldn't get over the fact that I was so close to something that incredible. I felt myself dipping back into the days of yore, when I was obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and had some serious trouble handling the fact that I would never meet them. What is it about music that creates that anxiety in us, the anxiety that the world is so large and there are so very many incredible people that we will never have the chance to meet. Here you are partaking in intimate sentiments with the person who wrote about them and sing about them, and yet you will never meet them. It makes you feel small and insignificant. ANYWAY the show was beyond words. We were surrounded by overpriviliged 12 year olds and their balding fathers, and a few awkward 30 somethings, and it was really a spectacular show. If you're really thaaaaat interested, here is where all of the photos are.

http://picasaweb.google.com/Calder175



completely incredible. look at him. absolutely perfect.

Today is daylight savings time. I remember on the other daylight savings time, in school the teacher used to always make us write about where we thought the hour we lost went. I hated this. I hated thinking about the idea that we lost an hour. I kind of hate it now too. The idea that we all turn our clocks back and gain an hour? Why don't I do this everyday to ensure I always have a little extra time to finish what I need to and get where I need to go? Why do we all participate in these odd social conventions? We are quite literally bending that eternal unbreakable rule, the fact that we can never go back and that time is something we cannot get back again. Why did I spend this hour sleeping. I could have been running around righting the wrongs I have made. I spent it sleeping.

I'm feeling especially alone today. I've only been awake for about 2 hours so it's not completely possible for me to feel the real brunt of this emotion just yet, but it's there. I am feeling so much heaviness from a feeling that was originally dull and easy to ignore, but is becoming sharper and so incredibly present more and more every day. I am truly sorry for whoever reads this because I can only imagine how sad you must think I am, and I assure you I am not always completely like this. I just genuinely enjoy reveling in sadness. Somewhere inside me it justifies something. I just don't understand what it is about me that gets myself into situations where feelings are not all that legitimate or consistent. I am only useful a portion of the time. It's interesting when it seems more fitting to say that you are "useful" rather than "wanted". I am not so moronic that I don't take into consideration the daily grind of life and how busy and involved people really are. Fast paced daily schedules have very little to do with this unfortunately. I am acutely aware of this. Why do I always seem to get myself in this spot. Where I need to work so hard to be noticed and remembered. I must be really annoying. It's even bothering me to read this. When did I let myself become such a lame excuse for whatever special thing I thought I was. Like the light you forgot to turn off. The mix CD you forgot to listen to. The melody you forgot to hear. The star you forgot to look up at  when night time finally arrived. The sunset you happened to miss.

I'm feeling more and more lately that it is too much to ask to be something spectacular to someone else.

2 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

Subject:I wonder what it feels like.
Time:3:00 am.

1 plastic tear ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Saturday, October 4th, 2008

Subject:everybody here loves you.
Time:12:28 am.
I'm looking for special things. Like pictures, video clips, songs. Of things that are specific and special and significant. Like a picture of an old man and woman riding on a bicycle built for two. Or just about any old fashioned and fuzzy sounding music. Or video clips similar to the ones in Amelie, all pieced together and so beautifully arranged and poignant. I don't know how this really does anything to help me, but I'm feeling more and more like i really need things that are comforting. I've been feeling a serious amount of anxiety lately.

So I was home last week. What a heavy time to be home. Last Wednesday I was in St. Luke's hospital in the city all day long while my dad had his aneurysm surgery, and thankfully it worked out really well. There were a few poetic moments, like when the nurses had to have some really thorough questionnaire sessions with him and they asked him in detail about his alcohol habit. I was watching what answers they would put into their computers for his file, and he was listed as a "dependent heavy drinker." I also spent the 5 hours during the surgery obviously thinking about how life might be without him, and for the first time I felt truly afraid of the prospect of having to take care of my mom, or how we would even get by. It was cold there and every time a nurse or doctor walked by they looked so serious and concerned that i couldn't help but have my heart lodged permanently in my throat. After the surgery was done and he was in his room in the ICU, I kissed him on the forehead before we left, and a part of me still can't believe I actually did that. It feels so foreign.

The following night was the wake. Funerals are never too naturalistic feeling, but going to one for a 23 year old guy feels especially perverted and completely wrong. I feel so numb to it in a way because it feel like it never happened, but sometimes there's a spark and I realize it did happen, and I am so overcome with sadness and anger and frustration that I don't know how I can really live my life feeling relaxed or any feeling other than uncertainty. This is too pathetic and it shouldn't even be mentioned, but I was also blatantly reminded of how truly inappropriate and disgusting people can be, and how in the grand scheme of things, very few things matter aside from the people you've known and the truest moments you've ever had with them.

Do you ever feel the need to constantly remind people of things that you love or that are your favorite, because you feel like no one really cares to ever remember? You feel the need to constantly spout things about yourself to be heard and understood, finally.

I used to write about how I felt like I complained all the time. Now I am fully aware that I truly do complain all the time. Although I don't really see it is complaining, as much as trying to process and understand why my life works the way it does. Events happen in startling sequences for me, and I am still blindsided by many of them. Things pile up before I can actually be aware of what's there, and I feel like I am constantly in a period of reconstruction and picking up the pieces. If my skin could reflect this I think it would be red, and raw, and pulsating nervously, almost as if the skin was inside out. It feels inside out. I still feel such an unsatisfiable need to just be taken care of and literally to just be taken. I'm noticing how I write most of my entries in a fashion that seems to be calling to someone. There really is no one that I would realistically be writing this to, as history goes to show that my potentials have been either too afraid, too crazy, too distant, too absent, not able to really see me for what I was. Obviously I was not perfect in these unions either, so I know I added to it in some way. I just don't know what it is about me that makes me unable to be someone to somebody. To be that person of significance.
I made a mistake the other day, a huge one. I went on Youtube and watched the first 2 minutes and last five of Love Actually. I literally cried with such an intensity that I scared myself. Was I literally becoming unglued? I've been feeling more and more unstable concerning my emotions. It just made me so sad, so jealous, so aware that I was not partaking in these feelings of being something unreal and unbelievable to someone else. All I've done is create this unbelievably hard and dense invisible walls around me with songs and stories and certain movies that make me feel an ounce of what i truly want to feel. I really accomplished it. I receive more pleasure from a song than the actual events that take place. I actually isolated myself.

Desperation is the most unattractive thing in a person, according to many, many people. And I finally offically accomplished it. Only my desperation is completely invisible. Why am I falling apart at the seams.





we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

Time:10:42 pm.
I'm cold. Today was long and really pretty bad. I also feel like I've been in this fog for the past 48 hours, I think I'm overtired. It is no surprise that this semester has gotten to a hectic and stressful start. I have 75 residents to take care of, a literal ton of reading, and I just feel like I never have a freaking second.I need to change this pace because this entry is already getting off to a boring start.

Lately I have been feeling the need and the desire more and more to just completely let this strength down that I always put up. I have never felt a stronger desire in my life to be taken care of. I feel like I always do the thinking and the caring, and I feel so tired. It sounds so unbelievably selfish but I just can't do it anymore. I feel so tired and so unable to handle that burden anymore. And I still think to myself so incredibly often, why is it that I've never found someone who wants to do it? I'm overtly aware of the fact that it's a 50/50 thing and you both care for each other, yes I get that. But I have never actually gotten any of that literally. No one I've dated has ever been emotionally capable of anything close to that. I just feel so out of it, so much older beyond my age, so boring and so outside of that realm. It bothers me to say it, but a part of me really wants to be babied. I never get that. I've been thinking about my favorite movies, (Amelie, Once, Secretary, Eternal Sunshine in particular) and I just want to be taken care of so badly. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I may need it. Everyone is selfish at this age, and if this is my thing then whatever. I'm just don't want to feel alone anymore. I am such a prisoner to my brain. I don't know many other people who think as much as I do. I overthink, I question, I overanalyze, I assume, and I get upset when there no legitimate facts. This will never go away. I am convinced that certain songs I truly love will mean more to me than actual people will. Because in my adult life I really haven't experienced anything different to prove it wrong. I've been feeling sad lately if you didn't know.

My dad goes into surgery this friday. I'm a little scared. They're sticking a tube full of iodine through his arteries and into his brain so they can get a clearer picture of his aneurysm. I don't know what I can actually handle anymore.

I will tell you this. These are things I've been needing to get off my chest. One, and this will really only make sense for those of you who have seen The Dark Knight, there is a moment in that movie that is so unbelievably poetic and beautiful that it restores a small amount of faith in the ability for new movies to salvage artistic integrity. There is a scene in which the Joker is driving a cop car away from whatever evil caper he just pulled off, I don't remember what it was, and there is some voiceover and it's quiet, and you see a silent scene of the joker driving and swirving as he pulls himself half way out the car and just pushes his face upwards towards the sky as if this is some orgasmic, spiritual experience. That one scene was pure art for me, so incredibly beautiful.

Two. I had a poetic experience the last time I was home. I was driving down the backroads to my house and it was dusk outside (favorite time of day thank you) and I had my arm out the window and I glanced at my side mirror and the just the quiet image of my arm and the duskiness and the music playing was a really vivid moment for me. I am really conceited, look what I'm doing here.

Three, and most important. I went to the movies this weekend and saw Wall-E for the second time, and I am not even kidding you, I have never cried so much during a movie before in my life I think. I am willing to sound like an unbelievably dork, but that movie hits me very deeply. So long story short I want to go see it again and cry some more.

Help me.
2 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

Time:8:14 pm.
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
i will never marry a drunk
we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

Subject:you will not remember me
Time:12:02 am.
I just stumbled over the poetry of a teacher I had. I fell in love with not only the content, but the imagery and the word choice, but it made me sad as well, and I felt it immediately. His writing was so eloquent, so hypnotic and vivid with sounds and smells and funny observations, and I realized I wanted to be written about. He seemed to have written about a few various ladyfriends, and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. This man is 13 years older than me and I found myself almost wanting to be a notch on his belt of experience. I wanted to be encapsulated within a few verses about my hair or my odd colored eyes or something quirky and curious about me. I want to be written about. I couldn't help but feel like I would be eons more interesting and important if I meant something enough to him to be captured in words forever. There is a poem written I've read once, although for some reason I can't think of the name or who wrote it, and it meditates on the thought of how selfish it is to take someone and immortalize them in a poem forever, effectively caging them in a vision you had one day sparked by the flip of one's hair or the way the sun hit the side of their cheek so perfectly that a poem was born. I don't care. I want to be weaved into a poem, to be kept forever. I don't think there is anything better. Maybe what I really want to be so talented and well versed in writing that I won't need to rely on someone else to immortalize me, but whatever. I read this guy's poetry and I was floored. I died and I felt such a painful wishing to be written about and documented as beautifully and sophisticated and as vividly as he could do so. Or maybe it's just that he is unbelievably wonderful and I can't wrap my head around how intelligent he is in so many ways.

I'm feeling very down on myself these days. Life is feeling mundane and exhausted in general, and I feel this unnatural and angry desire to flip out on those around me every day. I have been so snappy and annoyed, and I am feeling really frustrated in general about the inpending unyielding grasp of grownup-hood. I have about 20 books I want to read, 10 albums I want to listen to, I want to buy everything interesting I see, I want to be in a different country, I want to feel unbelievably beautiful and wanted by everyone, and I wish my current plans for the future would satisfy me. I can't help but feel like in 3 years I will be a tool of car payments and dressy casual attire. The worst part of this observation is that the life I'm living now is not nearly amazing or free enough for me to have anything tool-ish to be afraid to surrender to. I sell clothing to people and attempt to have epic nights with friends overlooking bodies of water while sipping iced tea from major retail companies that shit on their thousands of underage and underpaid employees. I try to be enlightened about atrocious things going on in the world and I try to have my opinion and swear I'll give money someday, when I have it, and yet I too am a slave to the unbeatable deals at K-Mart, Target, Best Buy, and everything that makes me the overpriveleged, ignorant, embarassing, know-it-all, blind American. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable almost every day. I hate the mundane and routine quality my life has, and yet I am terrified of dropping the life I've been given and actually trying my character in a new place. All I am good at is complaining. I say teaching will be great because I can live my passion for kids and education and then I can live my dreams in the summer times and vacations, but let's be realistic. I will drown under bills and payments for nice things that will buffer my hatred for what I haven't done and my sadness for all the lives I haven't lived. I will never have anything published, I will never be well known for anything I accomplish. I will, however, probably own a nice car and have an extensive library of books I haven't read yet. As for now, I will continue to buy weird jewelry and make t-shirts with obscure references to bands and continue to write obscure journal entries and have obscure lyrics and lines of poetry as titles to try and add some interesting qualities to my embarassingly plain and boring self.

It is for these reasons, among others, that I am really afraid that I will die young. There are so many things I need to do. 


Oh, and this sentence is dedicated to Elvis Costello.
4 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Tuesday, June 10th, 2008

Subject:gobbledigook.
Time:10:40 am.
Apparently I like to update this once a month, on the dot. I'm finally home for the summer, and I'm definitely feeling a bit more back to normal. The end of the year was particularly rough so I feel relieved to be home again. It doesn't exactly feel like summer yet however. I don't know why, but I feel like I haven't done anything, or whatever usually goes on during the summer. I can see this summer becoming the summer of getting everything done. We're redoing my room so that's taking a lot of time, and it seems everyone has tons of stuff going on. I just hope a few exciting things get to happen.

So things around here have not been the best. My dad was in the hospital again last week, and we have now found out that there is a small aneurysm in his brain that needs to be operated on. The surgeon who's doing it is one of 70 in the entire country. I'm pretty scared about it to say the least. I feel like it's always one thing after the other. I wish things would stop. This surgery is one of those kinds where you need one unbelievably minute wrong move, and it's over. So yeah, not the best stuff happening here.

I'd really like to feel happy again, I feel like I am constantly annoyed or just out of it. What is wrong in my brain.
1 plastic tear ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

Subject:i'm sticking with you....oh-woo-oh
Time:1:26 am.
please accept incredibly sincere apologies for not updating for about a year. This semester officially killed me. I feel so incredibly drained physically and emotionally, just everything feels gone. I'm happy to say it's pretty much over. I only have 2 finals, and all of my major projects are done, so now I just need to study for said finals and send a card to the 4th grade class I was observing all semester. I'm just nervous, because I don't feel like me, whatsoever. I am constantly tired, or bored, or moody. I've come to the realization that I have not felt genuinely happy in months and I don't know why. I just constantly feel stressed, and when the work is done and I should feel relieved, the stress doesn't go away. Not to mention the stress causing my face to explode, I've got craters everywhere. Are you happy that I decided to post an entry yet?

Something that's rather exciting is the music I've been stumbling across. I have been particularly obsessed with a few songs lately, one of them being "I'm Sticking With You" by the Velvet Underground. This song is amazing, and the second half of it sounds like what I believe pure love would sound like. The first time I heard it, it made me cry, so that has to stand for something. I wish desperately that someone will sing this to me someday.

I also have been listening to a sweet cover of "Superstar", originally done by the Carpenters but covered by Sonic Youth. Amazing. Another amazing something is Devendra Banhart's new album. It is incredible. "Seaside" is the perfect accompaniment to a drive by yourself when it is dusk outside, and "Shabop Shalom" propels me in the mind of some 1950's Israeli crooner. Amazing, just so wonderful.

At the rate of constantly restating the question of why I always take this journal time to complain about my life, i'm just going to go for it. What is wrong with me? I feel so off. This feeling off has been there for so long that I feel like my usual self is gone and tucked away somewhere, so now all I ever feel is long periods of awkward time with people that don't understand me and don't know what's wrong, and me with a sneaking suspicion that I am losing myself more and more everyday. Did you know that sometimes I'll be driving in the car by myself, listening to certain songs, and I just cry? This happens. I don't know what's wrong.

Something nice that happened recently was the discovery of real iced tea at Dunkin Donuts. Jess knows how I feel about iced tea, and how sad I was because Dunkin donuts had never sold it, and the Starbucks kind is too strong for my liking. And what did she do? She told me a few weeks back that she had found out they did have it, so of course we ran over, literally, to the DD and I got some. And it was amazing. So not everything is lost.

Jess is also wonderful because she said something that gave me a chance to express a feeling I had yet to be able to explain. She said the other day that a particular movie made her sad, or other feelings, that made her feel tight in her chest, and that was it. I feel like that is the one explanation I had been looking for as to the power some songs have over me.  For me, this tightness in the chest feeling is because I think about lives I'm not living and things I am not doing, and how my life is passing by me. I feel like all of these feelings I want to feel, like closeness to someone and love and all of that crap is right out of my reach, and I just feel this constant tightness and weigh on my chest, because I am not living the life I want. And I am so afraid this is going to be the problem forever. I know I shouldn't complain when I can do something about it, but what can I do? How do I solve this?

So maybe the reason why I haven't updated is because I haven't felt much like me, so I don't take the time to continue a journal that helps to anchor the ways in which I like to see myself and how I want others to see me. We always want to seem original and unlike anyone you've ever known, and refreshing, and interesting and introspective, and quirky. Right now I just can't seem to get past this frustration for not feeling anything like what i want to feel like. And feeling invisible here at school. I'm sorry for being such an incredible downer. I feel like I could explode into a thousand tears right now. Here is a picture of a dinosaur.


4 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Subject:uprooted.
Time:6:30 pm.
at the risk of sounding pretentious, i'm just going to try and explain this and hope that it will be "gotten" and not considered as, well, pretentious.  Incase you don't know me, I am really into music. Really. I don't just listen. I get into it, I look for facts, movies, books, articles, anything. I look for new stuff, I look for good old stuff, I like talking about it whenever. I am really into music. So much so that I feel sometimes it really is me. People say things like oh you can judge a person by the music they like. I have to disagree. At least in my case. Music is such a part of my identity that it's hard to pull the two apart.  So I guess I feel like if I recommend songs or bands for people, or I make them a CD, it's my way of making the most personal gift I can really make. I'm not a good drawer, I can't be witty very quickly, so music is how I do it.  Again, I don't want this to be stuck up. This is really what is me.  But lately I've been thinking about this prospect.  I myself feel so intertwined with music that when I recommend a song or band, I feel like I am part of this. So I feel like I am giving a part of myself as well, which is the only explanation I can think of to explain why I take it so personally if someone isn't into it, and if someone really, really gets into it.  But when you get into a band from learning about them from a friend, how long before you forget how you learned about them in the first place?  It might be a self righteous sentiment, but the idea of someone falling in love with a band I've shown them and with time, forgetting how they learned it, is upsetting to me.  Because it is me. So while you're not forgetting me maybe, I guess I feel like you're forgetting that part of me.  When I introduced someone to Neutral Milk once, I remember saying to them something to the affect of "Just please don't forget where you heard them."  And it's not that I want the credit necessarily (who doesn't usually, I like feeling like people respect my taste in music), but I guess I just want people making connections between the songs, and me.  Because I guess these songs give me an identity, in my mind at least. The identity I want.  I remember saying to that same person, "if I do nothing for you, at least remember these songs and me" (not that melodramatic, it was funnier if i remember correctly)  I don't know where this is coming from honestly.  I think finding good and unbelievable music is such a part of me, I need it so badly, that the idea of me picking which I think others would like, and showing them something they hopefully do like, makes me feel more important to them.  It is really sad how I grasp feverishly onto music to give me an identity that I want.

Outside today, for about 20 minutes, it was snowing faintly, and it was just about the best tempo and amount of snow coming down I have ever seen in my life. It was like slow motion.
3 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Subject:EDIT
Time:1:46 pm.
I don't know what happened, maybe it's all the excitement from me updating finally. But I completely forgot to mention the best part that would have been with my last update. Jess and Sean have the same office hours this year. I don't know how I can possibly verbalize what this means. No words.....just..wow. So I had to fill everyone in.
2 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

Subject:adjust your insides, you're just an inside.
Time:11:19 pm.
Let me first start off with apologizing to the three people who actually may read this. It has been roughly seven and a half years since I've last updated. Weeks go by and you know you need to, but then the idea of actually updating about your life given that period of time seems way too demanding, and you just don't.  So I'll give the necessities.  Being home for break was great, i didn't want to go back until I got back, and being here for RA training was fun and I love my room here, I've developed a severe obsession with The Who, I'm observing a 4th grade class in a Christian school, the work load this semester is frightening and overwhelming, and I cannot wait to go home on Thursday. Okay.

So I've been rather creative lately and I've been making some t-shirts.  It may be Who overkill, but I love them. I love looking at them. Even if it's on my shirt and therefore hard to look at it from my perspective, I still love it. I made a teal one that has all of their last names in an epic format, and then I made two other shirts with these pictures:






see, I feel like they might be cooler than anything I could buy anywhere. I just feel positively in love with them. Intense.

What else is going on. The new Animal Collective CD is amazing. just amazing.  It sounds crazy and hectic and it is incredible. The song "Peacebone" is ridiculous. whew. So much good music going on.

I feel like if I even begin to stray from writing about light things, I'll go into some rant about how insanely stressful school and observations are this semester. Let's not go that way. Music is pretty. I like making t-shirts. ug. I feel off. all the time. I don't feel like myself.

Please comment so I know whether I should even bother writing in this anymore !
6 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

Subject:Sir, keep on believing
Time:11:31 pm.
So. It has been quite a while since I've last updated. What happened. I got through finals generally unscathed, aside from having to stay a day later because of a freak snow storm. I got myself home and worked that night, and the day after that and a billion days, and I'm pretty much done with work already. Being home has been weird. Not half as enjoyable as I'd like it to be. I don't think it's a home thing though. I don't feel generally happy right now. I don't wish I was at school either. I don't know what's wrong.

But tonight was fantastic. After working until 630 at the knavery, I went to the cheesecake factory with Dan and Matt. It was good! Aside from the factory looking like it was one step away from some random Vegas casino or something. Cheesy decor to go along with cheesy cakes. But all I know is that I never laugh as much as when I'm with these two. It was non stop me feeling like I was going to throw up from constantly laughing. I just love these boys. Matt in unreal in his hysterical quality. At work it is so random how we just shoot each other a look and I'm done. Something else that was particularly special was the fact that Matt just got a ukulele. I have this special predilection for all things ukulele. Just hearing him play little bits, I was done. I love this instrument. All I know is that if there's one thing I love more than the ukulele, it's the boys who play it.

There is such a general weird feeling in the air. It's strange how you feel these changes in mood or just changes that are going to happen, and I feel like I'm in this period where things are about to change. Like this semester feels very past and long ago, and it's hard for me to really think about next semester and have it feel realistic. I don't know, things feel off. Something that sucks to be feeling now but is good for the long run is feeling like things are old. Some people are old, the tricks and the personalities are old and worn out. It is so exhausted now that rather than actively upset me, it just bothers me. I am so ready for new and not thought of and unexpected and the last place you would expect things to pop up. Allowing yourself to be so affected by such old and exhausted things creates a shell that forms around you and little by little, you make no more actual movements and you are just encased. Nothing comes in or goes out. It's just a sad thing. Right now I just want new. I also want bursting speakers and long car rides and more ukulele and guitar playing and things that make me feel alive in only the most cliche of ways.

I don't know what it is about the song "Ooh La La" by The Faces, but when I hear it, I cannot be sad about anything in the world. That never happens. Life is funny.
we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Monday, December 10th, 2007

Subject:you are forgiven.
Time:12:07 am.
so I have become quite enamored with The Who lately. this cool older guy in my physical geography class, who still uses phrases like, "I dig it!" burned me a copy of their super famous documentary, "The Kids Are Alright", and I watched it. And it is amazing. It's not a lot of speaking or interviews, its more full cuts of live songs and things. But wow. The Who is unbelievable. There's this one song, "A Quick One While He's Away" that kills me because it is so contemporary for its time. Its a ten minute mini opera almost, just cut into 5 sections of different songs. My favorite is the last, absolutely. But yikes, everything I'm hearing is so great. And I kind of have a crush on John Entwistle, early years.

I wonder if people get bored of hearing me go on and on about music I like. I sat on duty one night and for the whole night just watched videos of the who, and everyone just kind of sat and talked around me, obviously not entertained. I am a geek.

I went to the city today with the staffy. It really ended up being a good day, it was cloudy and cold but within the busy-ness of downtown it felt comfy cold and perfect for tons of pictures. We went to Rockefeller Center obviously, and I searched high and low for Conan O'Brien but saw not. We also went to Central Park, and one of my favorite places ever, Museum of Natural History. Today was great since I learned their ticket price is a suggested donation, which means while a student ticket is 11 bucks, you can say oh that's great, here's a dollar. And they're like oh awesome take your effing ticket and get out of here. But yeah, the museum for a dollar. I want to go all the time now. If anyone wants to go during the break, let's make this happen.

I keep finding fantastic itty bitty songs that just make this holiday and time of life so much more enjoyable for me. There's a song, "Falling In Love In a Coffee Shop" and it is just about the sweetest little love song for the sake of being sweet that I have ever heard in my life. It was on some Kay Jewelers commercial, but whatever. I don't like jewelry as much as pretty songs. There's also this song called "Sweet Summer's Night on Hammer Hill" which is fun and almost doo-woppy but incredibly infectious to listen to. Songs seem to be one of the few things that brighten my day. I have such a list of adorable little wintry songs that you just want to listen to and look at the face of someone you want to be looking at.

11 days until I go home. It's about time, I need to get home. I need to make money and see my friends and find someone (please anyone) who would actually like to watch the 'kids are alright' with me. I think I would flip out if I found someone who really was interested in and wanted to watch these rock documentaries with me. I'm excited for christmas decorations. I'm not excited however about the prospect of staying up for another half hour to wait for my laundry. Classes are finally over which means no more having to wake up early, which is always a wonderful thing with this heavenly bed here. I'm going to miss this bed a lot when I'm home. a lot. This bed loves me like no boy ever could.
we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

Subject:please come home.
Time:10:48 pm.
Before I start anything, you need need need to download the "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" cover by Death Cab for Cutie. It tops my list of Christmas covers, it's simple and beautiful and wintery and Ben Gibbard's voice just resonates from the beginning. It is so wonderful.

Speaking of Christmas, it's funny how I can generally remember the mood I was in every Christmas for the past few years now. Last year specifically, I was not very happy. My Animal Life teacher here made the whole class believe global warming would kill all of us or at least make us sweat profusely since the temperature was rising, so that coupled with last year being a mild autumn, made me real depressed. Things just didn't feel right. I was happy since I got the RA position, but stuff was kind of sucking at home.  Things feel better this year. I feel more secure and not so devastated at the moment about global warming, and I tend to be cold all the time so that makes me happy.  People might think I start pre-celebratory-ness too early, but look. It's after Thanksgiving, and this is pretty much the only thing that gets me through. I am a girl, and a sensitive one at that, so it's either focusing on Christmas movies and songs and decorations, or me getting depressed since I am alone. I like decorations.

I'm not really the type to get so depressed about that stuff either way. Of course no one wants to be alone usually, and its the holidays so it's special and colorful and cold and exciting. I guess I really don't allow it to bother me. It seems like such an arbitrary thing to get upset about. Do I still secretly hope something wonderful and unexpected and exciting will happen? Heck yes. But the worst thing to do is hope and hope and hope and be utterly disappointed and crushed, especially during a time like Christmas. I just get sad when its after Christmas. I feel like all that made up magic is gone. Then its January, and it's just cold. and the beginning of a new year. Ug. I like December so much more. I am such a sucker. I really hope something exciting happens. I don't know, I feel like something is bound to. I feel like I won't be alone for long, sometimes I just get that feeling. I am probably totally off, but sometimes you just get that feeling. It sounds so stupid to say but I just would like someone to watch movies with. Relationships are good and great and everything, but literally I would be so happy with just movie watching. Why am I getting into specifics. This is sufficiently weird.

End of the semesters suck. At least I don't have to worry about moving myself out, this will be the first semester in a year that I don't have to move my life out. I want this to be over. Good lord I am such a sucker, I'm listening to this deathcab song on repeat. It is just so pretty. This year I am in the mood for simple and sweet Christmas songs. It sounds old fashioned. I wish I wasn't so lame sometimes. I hope it's endearing.

I wish I wasn't so self-obsessed. This whole fucking journal is just meditations on me and what do other people think of me and why do I think what I think about myself. It's a real wonder anyone reads this, how could this possibly be interesting anymore. I am just so scared of being ordinary. I feel so forgettable. You know how you wonder if people think about you a lot or who cares a lot about you and who might think about you and wish they were with you and all that? I wonder that. I don't really believe in it necessarily, but I do wonder about it. The whole idea of that is just funny. The way I think about other people, the idea that they may think of me in that way. Weird. I'm obnoxious.

My mood has been so weird. I feel apathetic about things, which never ever happens. I hate feeling that. Apathy is horrible. I don't even fucking care. what happened. why is this.

I'm tired of not seeing people. Please come visit me or say you want me to visit you. I miss you.
4 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

Subject:I'm full in my heart and my head
Time:9:26 pm.
I got back to school about 6 hours ago. I was particularly excited to get back because I have no work to finish, so I was able to just put on my old Christmas cartoon shows and decorate my room. It looks pretty great. The ride back here went so fast, Jess came back with me. I had made a huge playlist to play but we actually never got around to putting the ipod on, we just talked the whole way. Oh Jess.

This break was strange, but great. I've realized I can never go home anymore to "get away from everything" because for the last few times I've been home my house is hectic and now how I like to think of it. I particularly hate this because that point in my life has actually arrived, where I don't feel young in my house anymore. My parents are always busy and my sister is never there and the place is always disorganized and just crazy. My parents are older and I can't really go home to feel taken care of or young again. It's not that they don't care, but everyone has stuff going on. Actually yeah the break in terms of being in my house was really depressing. My dad is really not doing well at all.  He either can't feel one of his feet, or he's having a panic attack, or he is in unbelievable pain in his back or hip. All I've been feeling lately is that grown up feeling where I have to help my dad with things now instead of him helping me. It's just sad. It always feels depressing. My sister is completely out of that house unless she needs to shower, my poor mother is working like crazy and having to take my dad to a number of different doctors everyday, and my dad of course still drinks because I'm sure he rationalizes it with the pain he's in or the obvious depression he's in from not working. Things are not happy. Thanksgiving made me sad because my family is so small now. My mom still cooks a ridiculous dinner, but it just seems sad. I know things aren't as bad to her because she never gets caught up in stuff like I do, and I've asked her multiple times if she's worried about dad, and she's says no because this happens sometimes and he's fine, but I feel like I've already made that transition in my head where I'm the grown up and he's the elderly man or something. I know I tend to always feel bad for myself, but I fucking hate being grown up in this way. I love my dad but I hate this.  I hate the drinking and I hate how he can't do anything and he's absolutely depressed about his life, and the fact that I stroll in and still manage to get frustrated and snap at him and I leave, and he still stays there, undoubtedly driving my mother crazy. And then of course he'll spend way too much money on my mom for Christmas and he'll cry because he gets emotional about gifts, and my mom will be annoyed but she'll keep it quiet for him and my sister won't care and make relentless comments about how dare he spend my mom's paychecks on stupid and ridiculously expensive gifts that she doesn't even want. I hate it. yeah. I just want Christmas to not be that. I would prefer to really just drive around and look at Christmas lights every night and watch stupid Christmas movies and have it be like that. I just get so angry. When my sister was 20, I was 14, so my parents at least were keeping it together a little more because I was younger. Now I'm 20 and things are not the same. Being the youngest is sad, at least in my experience. I've never felt like the youngest, things are never kept young for my sake or anything. I'm just complaining now, it really doesn't bother me so much. I just can't stand how crazy my house is.

In other news. Being outside of my house was fantastic. Dan and Matt and I drove around and hit a unbelievable Christmas house that was just unreal. And we went to Friendly's and the docks and it was fantastic. And I got to see Ryan again which was wonderful and not nearly long enough, but it was fun partying with his family for an hour.

I am flipping out because Jess got hired to work at Old Navy! Best news ever! She's going to do her neo December 1st and hopefully she'll be working on the 21st when we come home! This is just the best Old Navy related news ever.  I can't believe we're going to work together and get paid to just hang out and fold clothes. This will be fantastic.

It's kind of sad that I come home the 20th. That's only 4 days to enjoy pre-christmas ness. I would prefer at least a week or something. It's depressing when Christmas day hits, and then after that? Forget it. I hope it's fun and festive and Christmas-y here.

I feel like I'm forgetting tons of stuff that I wanted to cover. Oh, I made tons of baked goods from scratch this week. Snickerdoodles, Apple pie, Chocolate chip cookies. I feel sufficiently girly.

I have a newfound love for robots. I really enjoy them.

Is it completely lame and cliche and pathetic to say I hope this Christmas is exciting and unexpected.
4 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Time:6:59 pm.

what is going on.

i'll update on this later.

we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

Subject:it rips through the silence of our town at night
Time:10:38 am.
Not only do I respect the usage of good grammar and puncuation, I love it. I am a fan of it. A lame, geeky, fan of it. However

i love writing sentences without capitalization or puncuation 

Why is this.

So I've been back at the Knavery for the past couple days. Yeah. It's been fine. I'm incredibly excited because Jess went for an interview yesterday and will most likely be getting hired. And Matt worked last night and we were finally reunited after 3 months or something crazy like that. Last night was stressful, signage is not fun anymore. At all. Oh well. Working was fine, I was afraid it wasn't going to be fun at all anymore with everyone that left, but I still like talking to customers and I had a lot of random visitors which was excellent and yeah it's not bad.

[be prepared for some weird thoughts coming up] So last night I got home from hanging out with Matt around 12, and I remembered I had quite a lot of baking to do. I decided I would bake the majority of desserts we're going to have today, so I was fully ready to exhibit my real girl-ness and judge how much of a good cook I could be by baking an Apple pie and Snickerdoodles, from scratch, by myself. Well I did it. And I think they turned out awesome. And the weirdest part was that as I was paring the apples for the pie, I couldn't help but start thinking about when I will be baking for someone else. And how excited I would be to bake for someone and feel shallowly happy for feeling useful, and girl-like. What has happened to my self esteem. I feel so dispensible. The past couple days have been incredibly shitty. I just don't feel like myself at all, and I don't feel pretty or funny or anything I thought I was, I feel so anxious, I feel sad, I hate everything that is taking place. I have so many conflicting feelings about everything. I literally just want headphones on all the time, I just want my music that makes me feel like me. That is so sadly cliche, and it's true, it is so lame. The only time I feel different or special in any way is when I listen to certain songs. How pathetic is that. I just hate everything that has taken place and how dumb this is all is. And why I even care remotely anymore. I think about the idea of caring about people all the time. You never stop. either you never did, or you never stop. Yes, sometimes you meet those people that you once cared about but not really anymore. But I honestly believe it really was just that you never really cared that much. It's just funny when I think about all the people that I care intensely about, and I don't really talk to that often, there is sadly quite a lot. But I still care so much. Like Jeremy, I barely speak to him or see him, but I still care so much about him. Maybe we're not in that area right now where we would talk a lot for whatever reasons, but I just think you never stop caring if you genuinely did to begin with. I just cannot handle the idea of permanency in any form, so I hate thinking about people I won't talk to a lot again. I hate the fact that people flow through your life.  I hate that I have cared about people who decide to leave. There are so many things that happen in your life that just constantly make you wonder why anything happens at all.

When I was working yesterday, the song "So This Is Christmas" by John Lennon came on. For whatever reason when it came on and I heard the single voice and the guitar, I just felt like crying. I don't really love the song necessarily, but his voice is really great in the song. Just hit me in a different way for whatever reason. There were also a few other good selections, like "The Christmas Song" by The Raveonettes, and "Keep The Car Running" by Arcade Fire and a cool cover by Ben Gibbard. That was nice. Oh and there is a commercial for some mp3 player and it centers around "Sleeping Lessons" by the Shins. I almost died, what a weird but excellent choice. But The Shins, you kind of blow for selling that.

I just keep playing the song by The Postal Service, "Brand New Colony", whose one lyric seems to ring out as some kind of mantra or something. Everything will change.  

Oh and do yourself a favor and get the song "Oh Sister" by Neutral Milk. I can't even express how wonderful.

bla bla bla Happy Thanksgiving and everything. !
1 plastic tear ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Subject:hums through my blood
Time:3:00 pm.
so. I have much, much to cover. It's been forever since my last semi interesting, so ima try real hard to make this a good one for all 3 of you who hopefully still read this (3 is a kind estimate.)

My English Lit class and teacher make me feel incredibly happy. We just covered Shakespeare's sonnets, and I never feel so smart and accomplished as when I make points in class and my teacher (I've talked about this literary rogue before- he belongs in some ivy league school teaching John Milton to pompous 24 year old grad students) says, "wow. that's a very interesting point. incredible connection, very good." and he seems to genuinely be happy when I raise my hand, as opposed to the face he gives other students. I love this class. I feel smart, I feel like I write well, it's pretty exciting.

The weather is freezing and I am perpetually cold and I secretly love it. I wish I could start listening to Christmas music and watching my old Christmas cartoon movies that I love so dearly, but I have specific and unflinchingly rigid rules of holiday media enjoyment. It cannot happen until after Thanksgiving night. But that day will be oh so wonderful as I listen to time life Christmas and pull into Old Navy for an inarguable day of Black Friday hell. But Black Friday is always fun, this will be my third one there. It's busy or it's dead and everything is holiday-fied and I love it. I just feel excited.

I know how cliche it sounds to say oh I can't wait to fall in love, but I'm just excited for feeling close to someone. I lay in my giant king sized extra long gigantor bed with 11 pillows and my nubbin pillow and Henry and Barnaby, and I just want to lay next to someone. This isn't a sad or depressing thing I'm lamenting about, I guess I'm more excited for when that happens. I literally just want to lay next to someone and share a blanket and my nubbin pillow as we watch the anthology and I laugh obnoxiously about all the little obscure funny things the Beatles are talking about while hopefully the boy that hears this laughing will find it funny and adorable and hopefully not obnoxious. They can find it weird though, weird is good. I feel so content just saying, I'm not even concerned about relationships or falling in love, just someone to lay with.  I'm just excited. The holidays never make me that depressed. They seem so wonderful to me and they absolutely put something in the air and they cause everyone to be a little different and nothing is ever that predictable around the holidays. There will always be surprises. And if there's not, well then I have all the Christmas decorations and lights in my house that never fail to make me happy every year, and I have these amazing friends who will hopefully take me and drive around with me to look at Christmas lights. Things will be okay. They always are.

So when I was home I looked through my grandma's old jewelry that is now my mother's, and I found a lot of fun and cool earrings. I found this one pair of round red plaid earrings, and I love them. They're so fun, and I really enjoy plaid.

I had a program with Jess the other night called Paper Bag Puppets. It was so freaking amazing. I bought tons of crafts for it and we had so much left over so made puppets of ourselves and our friends. I made me and Dan and Ryan and Matt, and Jess made herself and Bryan and Zac and it was hysterical. Then she made Abe Lincoln and we made one for Emily and her boyfriend. They are amazing. You can bet I'll have some sweet photos up of the serious parties the paper bag people seem to throw in my room every night.

So, here comes quite possibly the most important part of this entry. I found some other new bands. I don't know if I exclusively talked about Beirut yet, but if you haven't already gathered, Beirut came to me and they are ridiculous. They are cold weather and sunniness and Frenchness and they are those songs that make me cry when I hear them. So they are wonderful. And life has been exponentially peachier since I've started listening to Bishop Allen again. Flight 180 will never cease to just make everything inside me stop and just know with the sweetest belief that everything is wonderful. Here's why I needed to talk about Bishop Allen. I found a band. Okkervil River. The singer sounds just like Justin Rice. They are incredible. I found the songs "Unless It Kicks" and "Our Life is Not a Movie but Maybe" and they are fun and exciting and have a great drum beat which I've discovered is what usually attracts me to a song. And here's what's even more exciting, they have a song called "John Allyn Smith Sails" and towards the end it goes into "Sloop John B" by, that's right, the effing Beach Boys. Pet Sounds. Beach Boys. Okkervil River. Justin Rice sounding, but so amazing. Oh Bishop Allen. ugggggg. Get on that shit. Okkervil River.

Who else did I find. I found Noah & the Whale, who are low key and minimal and really great, and I found Georgie James, Phoenix, The ANtlers, The Moldy Peaches. I love this, I feel like I'm finding this great music left and right, it's so exciting. Music is my boyfriend. We're pretty serious. Oh and get the song "Umbrellas" by Sleeping At Last. Don't question it.

I'm cold. It's cold in my room. I have tons of stupid work to get done but all I want to do is lay in bed and watch a movie. 
Home in 10 days! Yikes this is so exciting! I'm leaving class on Monday at 445 and I'm driving straight to Dan's. It will be unreal, it's been about 7 years since I've seen him last. He said he would go to Teatiques with me in the village, and itty bitty little tea spot to go and have real tea time. I want tea time and christmas lights and snow and everything else completely cliche but so great.
3 plastic tears ~*~ we're nothing and nowhere, forever and ever.

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